Trauma Bond vs. Love: How to Tell the Difference & Protect Yourself

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It is natural to go through some ups and downs in your relationship or marriage. However, a healthy connection is about trust, reciprocity, and freedom to keep your independence and grow. Healthy relationships make us feel safe and supported. 

Sometimes, however, we find ourselves in relationships not founded on love but on trauma bonds. But how do you tell if the relationship is based on a trauma bond or genuine love? And what’s the deal with a trauma bond vs. love?

What is a Trauma Bond?

A trauma bond is a strong emotional attachment that develops between two people, one of whom is in some way in a position of power. It is often a connection that forms between a person and their abuser as a result of a perpetual cycle of abuse and manipulation. These relationships are intense, dramatic, and constantly on the verge of an incident.

How are Trauma Bonds Formed?

Relationships grounded on traumatic bonding are not abusive all the time, though. They often involve a mixture of positive and negative experiences. The cycles of abuse and fear are followed by periods where the victim feels cared for, cherished, and secure. 

This mixture of fear and love creates a highly unpredictable connection that keeps the victim hooked. The positive episodes confuse the victim, possibly giving them hope to change the abusive partner. At the same time, their yearning for connection and safety encourages them to focus on the positive aspects of the relationship while ignoring the abuse.

These positive reinforcements after periods of abuse create trauma bonding.

We are hardwired as humans to seek affection and connection with others. A child’s natural need for connection and attention makes them particularly vulnerable to developing trauma bonds. 

Traumatic bonding in childhood that develops as a result of repeated abusive or traumatic experiences with the caregiver influences the person’s adult relationships. People who formed traumatic bonds in childhood learned to associate love with abuse, which makes it challenging for them to differentiate between a trauma bond vs. love and to leave toxic relationships.                          

How Do Trauma Bonds Affect Relationships?

Trauma bonds lead to unhealthy dynamics in relationships. A mindset of not being good enough can make you vulnerable to abuse, causing you to become emotionally attached to toxic behavior patterns.  

Low Self Esteem

Trauma bonding can undermine your self-esteem since you may blame yourself for your partner’s maltreatment and abuse. Your self-esteem may be affected by how your partner perceives you, and you may find yourself continuously seeking their approval and praise to feel good about yourself.

Lack of Boundaries

You may struggle to set boundaries and care for your own needs. Trauma bonds can cause you to constantly walk on eggshells and feel guilty and responsible for things that are not your fault. You may have no personal space or alone time or have difficulty saying “no” to your partner’s requests because you don’t want to disappoint them or fear their revenge. You may feel insecure, anxious, confused, exhausted, and unsafe.

Isolation

In an abusive relationship, you might experience emotional detachment, feelings of isolation, and a sense of loneliness.

In addition, the abuser may isolate you from family and friends, cutting off your support system to maintain control and diminish your self-esteem. Isolation in toxic relationships can make seeking help or escaping the cycle of abuse difficult. 

Confusion 

Trauma bonds typically result in conflicting emotions. Experiencing a mix of emotions such as love, hate, compassion, and fear towards your partner can lead to confusion and cognitive dissonance. This can make it challenging to navigate your feelings and make rational decisions within your relationship.

Trauma Bond vs. Love: How Can You Tell the Difference?

If you are unsure about your relationship, here are the key differences between a trauma bond vs. love. 

1) Relationship Pace

Relationships built on trauma bonds develop rapidly at first. In the initial phase of the relationship, the abuser will love-bomb you so that you may feel overwhelmed. However, their excessive attention, affection, care, presents, and compliments will bolster your ego, causing you to ignore red flags and dive further into the relationship.

When two people are in a healthy relationship built on true love, their connection grows steadily over time as they get to know and show an increasing interest in one another.

2) Extreme Highs and Lows 

Periods of extreme highs and lows in a relationship are a hallmark of trauma bonds. If your connection is rooted in traumatic bonding, you may continuously experience periods of profound insecurity and fear followed by stages of calm, deep connection, care, and affection. 

On the other hand, relationships founded on true love tend to be stable and without fear. 

3) How Well Do You Communicate with Each Other?

There is a constant sense of walking on eggshells in trauma bond relationships, with communication limited to superficial topics. Because every deep conversation might set off the abuser’s rage, you might avoid expressing your needs, thoughts, and feelings, addressing your problems, or discussing complex subjects.

Conversely, strong, loving relationships are built on open communication and trust. You feel safe being vulnerable with each other, openly discussing your most profound needs and feelings. You respect each other’s boundaries and take responsibility for your actions. You don’t avoid disagreements but know how to get past them.

4) Quality of Care and Respect 

In authentic love, partners respect each other, show empathy, and support each other through difficult times. On the other hand, toxic codependent relationships are based on an imbalance of power. While you deny the abuse to feel accepted and loved, the abuser maintains dominance and control.

How to Break a Trauma Bond

Breaking a trauma bond may require professional assistance from a counselor who specializes in trauma and abuse. Counseling can help you understand the causes and dynamics of a trauma bond, develop healthier coping mechanisms, and heal from the trauma. 

Healing from Trauma Bond Relationships

Recovering from trauma bond relationships takes time because you must break negative patterns, learn to love yourself again, and feel secure around others. So, during your recovery process, allow yourself time and prioritize self-care. If you want to break free from a trauma bond grip, contact me to set up a free, empowering conversation.

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