What is Shame & Where Does It Come From?
Shame is one of the most challenging emotions to deal with. Although a negative emotion, shame also plays an important role in our behavior, beliefs, and morals since it pushes us to follow social norms, laws, and cultural standards.
But when internalized and chronic shame becomes toxic, affecting your self-esteem, well-being, and relationships.
What Do We Mean When We Talk About Shame?
Shame is a negative, self-conscious emotion originating from believing something is fundamentally wrong with us.
Individuals suffering from feelings of shame were frequently reared in families with insecure attachments that made them feel unsafe and abandoned. As a result, a child with insecure attachment develops the impression that they are unloved because something is inherently wrong with them. During their early years, they typically absorb this skewed self-perception that they are unworthy, flawed, and bad.
Even if they were not explicitly told they were faulty or unlovable, the child decided something was wrong with them based on their treatment. They internalized their shame because they believed they had some responsibility for the way their caregivers treated them.
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What Does Shame Feel Like?
Shame is a complex emotion that can take many forms. When we feel ashamed, we struggle with self-doubt, unworthiness, embarrassment, dishonor, and inadequacy. Because these emotions are frequently unconscious, it may be challenging to recognize them and deal with them appropriately.
For this reason, shame often feels like a sense of inferiority, depression, or anger. Anger is a secondary emotion frequently used as a defense mechanism to mask unbearable feelings of shame and inadequacy. For example, you may lash out at others to cover up your feelings of unworthiness and self-disgust.
Also, when experiencing shame, you may feel a deep sense of discomfort, accompanied by a strong desire to shut out people and hide from everyone. Shame may also mean worrying about what others think of you, that others will take advantage of you, or not treat you respectfully.
As a result, you may have trust issues and isolate yourself from your social contacts. You may feel lonely and unworthy of love, acceptance, and respect most of the time. In addition, you might struggle with a sense of identity, feeling you cannot be your true self.
Shame can also manifest in physical symptoms such as a racing heart, sweating, blushing, or nausea.
What is Shame, Really?
Shame is a complex emotion that is ingrained in our sense of identity. Shame does not differentiate between behavior and the self; it is the belief that you are fundamentally flawed or inherently bad.
The messages we get from important people in our lives as children significantly impact us. Therefore, you could believe that this was your fault and feel humiliated for the rest of your life if your parents treated you in a way that made you feel uncomfortable and unsafe, neglected your needs, or physically or verbally abused you.
What Causes Us to Feel Shame?
We experience shame in various situations. For example, when others judge or criticize you, engage in socially unacceptable behavior, or fail at something important, you may experience a strong sense of shame and humiliation.
If you received messages as a child that you were not worthy, you may see yourself as a failure for the rest of your life. Because your harsh inner critic is always ready to criticize and disapprove, even minor mistakes may cause feelings of poor self-esteem and shame.
What is Toxic Shame & How Does It Differ from “Normal” Shame?
When you do something wrong, hurt someone, or fail to live up to your own ethical standards, it is natural to experience shame. Toxic shame, on the other hand, is a shame that lingers around and begins to affect how you perceive yourself, causing you to believe that you are fundamentally wrong, inferior, and worthless.
So, when “normal” shame becomes excessive and persistent and threatens to harm your self-worth and health, it becomes toxic shame.
Individuals who have grown up with a sense of unworthiness and lack of value often develop into adults who struggle with insecurity and toxic shame, believing they are undeserving of love, pleasure, or success.
Shame vs. Guilt: What’s the Difference?
The terms “guilt” and “shame” are often used together, but they don’t mean the same thing. Guilt is usually associated with certain behaviors. Feelings of guilt typically arise when we realize we have done something wrong or violated our own moral code.
On the other hand, shame is not limited to behavior and includes a negative view of oneself as a whole. Shame focuses on the perception that we are essentially unworthy or defective.
So, while shame is directed at the self, guilt centers more on our behavior.
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Are There Any Benefits to Feeling Shame?
Although shame may cause significant distress, because it compels us to adhere to societal norms, regulations, and cultural standards, shame also plays a vital part in shaping our identity, behavior, and relationships. So, shame can be an appropriate and adaptive emotional reaction that helps us follow the rules, meet our expectations, and live up to our moral standards.
However, when it is chronic or excessive, shame can quickly become toxic and debilitating.
Closing Thoughts: Learning to Move On From Shame
If shame overwhelms your self-perception, health, and relationships with others, consider seeking professional mental health care.
Coaching may help you overcome shame, unlearn self-limiting behaviors, treat yourself with self-compassion, and move on with your life. Working with a qualified coach or counselor can help you gain control over your thoughts and feelings, so you can forgive yourself and start healing. It’s okay not to know how to navigate uncomfortable feelings like shame. It is also okay to seek professional help. If you want to move on from shame and start living a life that this true to who you are, contact me to set up a free empowering conversation.
