Narcissism can take various forms, so you might not recognize it in some people you regularly interact with. These relationships might leave you feeling insecure, anxious, and emotionally drained without knowing what the problem is. This is especially true if you’re dealing with an altruistic narcissist.
What is an Altruistic Narcissist?
An altruistic narcissist is a narcissist who is concerned with helping others to the point that they go out of their way to do so. These individuals, however, act selflessly for the wrong reasons. Unlike genuine altruists who show selfless concern for others’ well-being and readiness to help, altruistic narcissists have a secret motive. They typically do good deeds, show compassion, and help others because they seek other people’s approval, validation, and adoration.
So, you’ll find an altruistic narcissist donating to charities, volunteering excessively, and always being there for everyone. However, the primary purpose of their selfless actions is to bolster their sense of ego and self-esteem.
Despite their outward appearance of generosity, kindness, and selflessness, altruistic narcissists can be as toxic as any other narcissist.
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What Are the 4 Different Types of Altruistic Narcissism?
The contradicting personality characteristics of altruistic narcissists can be challenging to understand and manage in personal and professional relationships with these people.
Here are the four common types of altruistic narcissism:
Martyr narcissists: These people typically engage in extreme selflessness, portraying themselves as self-sacrificing. But they do it to gain admiration and recognition from others. For example, a narcissistic parent will sacrifice for their children’s well-being just to accuse them of being ungrateful.
Savior narcissists: They go out of their way to save others’ problems, but they are just doing it for recognition and appreciation, actually wanting to control others who depend on them.
Charismatic narcissists: Charismatic narcissists are the givers who might engage in philanthropy and selfless acts but with a hidden agenda; they do it to maintain their status and power.
Manipulative altruists: This type of altruistic narcissist always does good deeds, helping everyone, but only as a means to be indebted and manipulate others and take control.
Recognizing Covert Narcissism Disguised as Altruism
A covert narcissist’s self-worth is dependent on the praise of others due to their lack of self-worth. They typically appear humble, selfless, and caring, so their abusive behavior is more subtle and often undetectable.
They may downplay their achievements or portray themselves as saints who always sacrifice for others. However, covert narcissists require constant validation and praise for their good deeds, and their selfless actions merely serve to win sympathy and admiration. They will give you unwanted assistance or advice, violating your boundaries under the guise of helping you.
In conversations, they will always steer the topic back to themselves and their selfless actions, often manipulating the conversation or situation to portray themselves as victims or heroes. However, a covert narcissist’s behavior is usually inconsistent. They’ll go from being excessively unselfish to dismissive or judgmental of others in a flash. However, a covert narcissist may strike out at you if you criticize them. They may be too sensitive to criticism because of the fragile self-esteem underneath their altruistic façade.
5 Signs You Are Dealing with An Altruistic Narcissist
Recognizing an altruistic narcissist may be challenging because of their superficially caring and generous behaviors. However, self-serving motives typically lurk behind their apparently unselfish actions. So, here are five signs you are dealing with an altruistic narcissist.
1) They Engage in Excessive Self-Sacrifice
An altruistic narcissist may go to great lengths to help others, sometimes seemingly at the expense of their own well-being. However, they will always put their good deeds in the spotlight, seeking validation and admiration for what they did.
They will post pictures of their self-sacrificing actions across all social media accounts to ensure everyone knows about their kindness, selflessness, and self-sacrifice. Or, they will expect constant loyalty and appreciation from those they help, whether it’s their children, friends, or coworkers.
2) They Don’t Care About What Other People Truly Need
An altruistic narcissist’s selfless behavior only serves self-promotion. They help others to maintain a self-image of superiority and virtue, not genuinely caring about their needs and well-being. Because of their self-centeredness, narcissists cannot form healthy, meaningful relationships. They tend to prioritize their need for validation and admiration over truly understanding how those they are helping feel or what they need.
3) They Are Always Seeking Recognition
A constant pursuit of recognition is a central aspect of altruistic narcissist behavior. External validation is a tool to boost their frail self-esteem and maintain a self-image of superiority and entitlement. These people engage in acts of kindness and altruism to demonstrate their supposed selflessness and gain praise.
4) They Offer Selective Empathy
Altruistic narcissists may appear excessively empathetic and compassionate. However, their empathy tends to be discriminative. They may only extend compassion to those they perceive as deserving. Also, an altruistic narcissist will empathize with people who can boost their ego and serve as a narcissistic supply. In truth, they struggle with feeling empathy and show little with no genuine concern for the well-being of others.
5) They Behave Differently In Private Than In Public
Altruistic narcissists often place strangers’ needs over those of their loved ones. An altruistic narcissist who donates to their designated charities, volunteers at a community food bank, and radiates such empathy for others may be emotionally unavailable or violent at home. The narcissist’s family members frequently hear how people adore or appreciate them. Still, only they are aware of their actual nature.
Can an Altruistic Narcissist Change?
Change for an altruistic narcissist can be difficult, though not entirely impossible. Change typically requires self-awareness and willingness to change; narcissists usually lack both.
Therapy, in particular cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), may assist the narcissist in recognizing their narcissistic tendencies, developing empathy, and increasing their level of sincere altruism.
Protecting Yourself from Altruistic Narcissists
If you, for whatever reason, have to maintain your relationship with an altruistic narcissist, it is essential to set boundaries with the narcissist and protect yourself.
Seeking support from a counselor or a licensed life coach can help you protect your rights and well-being by providing guidance and support. A life coach can equip you with strategies to recognize the narcissist’s manipulative behavior and set healthy boundaries. They can also help you increase your self-esteem and resilience to assert your needs and foster self-protection in a relationship with an altruistic narcissist.If you want to learn how to protect yourself from an altruistic narcissist, contact me to set up a free, empowering conversation.
