“I Am Not Good Enough” (False Identities Series: II)

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False identities refer to the concepts of a person pretending to be what she or he is not, or thinking less of themselves. This false identity spins around the feeling that “I am not good enough” typically involving concepts that are instilled in your mindset in childhood and adolescence. 

Kids who come from unhealthy families with insecure attachment styles usually grow up feeling abandoned, unloved, and unworthy. They learn to meet their parents’ or caregivers’ expectations to get attention, approval, and love from them. These feelings and behaviors become internalized – a person believes that he or she is not good enough if they fail to meet other people’s expectations. 

An insecure attachment that forms in early childhood can be divided into three types:

  • Anxious-avoidant Attachment
  • Anxious-ambivalent Attachment
  • Disorganized/disoriented Attachment

Anxious-Avoidant Attachment

An anxious-avoidant attachment may cause you to feel generally unsafe in social interactions. It may also cause you to internalize shame that belongs to the adult who neglected or abused you. You may assume that neglect or abuse was actually your fault because you were not good enough. 

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An anxious-avoidant attachment may have created the feelings of shame and inadequacy that have stuck with you since. These internalized feelings affect your emotions, thoughts, behavior, and relationships. They may flood your subconscious mind with self-critical thoughts of failure, guilt, shame, and worthlessness. These feelings, in turn, may affect your self-esteem and confidence, and lead to insecurity, loneliness, and mental illness. 

Disorganized Attachment

People who suffered neglect and abuse in childhood and who never knew what to expect from their caregivers sometimes tend to repeat their caregivers’ behavior patterns as adults. They can be very affectionate sometimes while at other times they may become emotionally disconnected, negligent, or even aggressive.

Anxious-Ambivalent Attachment

If you grew up with parents with unpredictable patterns of behaviors, you might have developed into an adult who is over-sensitive to rejection and always needs a partner’s approval to feel loved and valuable. 

Woman on cliffside I am not good enough

How False Identity Affects Your Relationships

The mindset of not being good enough has the power to affect your adult relationships. For example, it may cause you to engage in a toxic relationship with a narcissistic partner loaded with codependency. You stick to the pattern from your childhood, believing that you are not good enough and that the abuse in a toxic relationship is your fault. 

People with a narcissistic personality disorder or narcissist personality traits typically put their needs first and show self-centered, demanding, controlling, and manipulative behavior. They may even be emotionally abusive. As long as you are accommodating your narcissistic partner’s needs, they will make you feel loved and appreciated. 

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How to Overcome the “I Am Not Good Enough” Mindset

Feeling that you are not good enough will hinder your chances for happiness, love, and success. The truth is that you are enough, and you are perfect just the way you are. Planting the thoughts of enough-ness and self-love into your subconscious mind will help you transform your mindset to attune to the belief that you are enough. To practice, self-love and self-acceptance try the following simple self-love exercises. 

Self-Love Exercises

  • Visualize yourself as someone who is “enough” in your eyes. this may be a family member, a friend, a loved one, a celebrity, etc. Imagine what does it feel to be like them and stay with this feeling for a while. 
  • Visualize yourself as you want to be. Feel into that sense of being enough. Visualize how you feel about being “enough” and notice the sensations in your body and any emotions that appear. 
  • Repeat positive affirmations that acknowledge that you are doing the best you can and that you are enough. 
  • Be grateful for everything you are, everything you can do, and everything good that comes your way.

Through coaching these old stories can be identified and shifted. But, you need a coach who is versed in making these ontological changes. If you are ready to make those shifts, book a time to speak about what’s possible for you www.chatwithkamini.com

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Kamini Wood

Kamini Wood

Kamini Wood is a Certified Life Coach, and best-selling author. Her mission is to empower high-performing adults and teens to become resilient self-leaders by reducing stress and anxiety, overcoming imposter syndrome, working through trauma, and re-discovering their AuthenticMe®.

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My name is Kamini Wood, and I’m here to accompany you on your journey toward understanding yourself on a deeper level so can create the life you want personally and professionally. It’s time to embrace your AuthenticMe ™