The term “narcissism” generally refers to someone who is highly self-absorbed. However, when we talk about a covert narcissist, the traits are often less obvious and harder to recognize. To be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), a person must meet specific clinical criteria.
Unlike more obvious forms of narcissism, a covert narcissist does not always appear arrogant or dominant on the surface. Their behaviors tend to be quieter, more indirect, and often confusing to those around them.
While they still seek validation and control, it often shows up through subtle manipulation, emotional withdrawal, or passive-aggressive behavior rather than overt attention-seeking.
What is Covert Narcissism?
Covert narcissists, also known as vulnerable or fragile narcissists, usually appear quiet and introverted. Due to fragile self-esteem, a covert narcissist’s self-worth depends on the admiration of others.
So, a covert narcissist’s abusive behavior is more subtle and usually not noticeable. They want to prove they are better than anyone else, so they will constantly compare themselves. Covert narcissists need constant reassurance and validation, feeling bad for themselves when witnessing others’ success.
They show passive-aggressive behaviors. They will not tell you directly that they are superior to you but will express their disdain in subtle ways. For example, a covert narcissist may hurt you with a comment and then claim, “I was just joking!” “What’s the deal with you being so sensitive?” Or they will deliberately “forget” to return your calls, do what they promised, etc.
Because their narcissism is not apparent, covert narcissists typically fly under the radar, making them more dangerous. The victims of a covert narcissist’s abuse don’t even recognize being abused for years, sometimes even for decades.
Covert vs. Overt Narcissism: What’s the Difference?
An overt narcissist is easy to spot – they are extroverted, loud, arrogant, selfish, and self-absorbed, but often charismatic and charming. So, the main difference between covert and overt narcissism is that the overt narcissist’s behavior is obvious to others. Overt narcissists display typical narcissistic traits and behaviors.
They lack empathy, have an inflated self-image, and perceive themselves as superior. Overt narcissists show manipulative and self-centered behavior. They may have sudden mood swings and be impulsive, with outbursts of anger and hostility.
On the other hand, covert narcissistic behaviors are often more subtle and usually invisible to those who do not live with a narcissist.
Weird Things Covert Narcissists Do That Will Help You Identify When You’re Encountering One
Because of their ability to deceive people and go unnoticed for a long time, covert narcissists are more dangerous than overt narcissists. On the surface, life with a covert narcissist appears to be totally normal. However, only someone close to a covert narcissist can genuinely understand how harmful covert narcissistic behavior is.
Here are some weird things covert narcissists do and how to respond to them.
A Clear Sense of Inferiority
Covert narcissists appear insecure and self-deprecating, which makes them difficult to spot. For example, it is difficult to be friends with covert narcissists because they constantly compare themselves to others. Or, if you work with a covert narcissist, you may be overwhelmed by their demands. They may outsource tasks and decisions to other people to make it look like they’re indecisive and afraid of making mistakes.
They are Hypersensitive
A covert narcissist’s unstable self-esteem can make them hypersensitive to criticism and rejection. A covert narcissist, for example, might be enraged by even the smallest criticism regarding their work. It could make them angry and lash out at themselves or someone else.
They Don’t Take Responsibility (and Always Blame Others)
A tendency to blame others for their own mistakes is one of the common weird things covert narcissists do. A covert narcissist believes that they are always right and better than anyone else, including you, so they always need to be in charge. However, they will never take responsibility for what they say or do, blaming others for their own mistakes and failures.
They Gaslight Those Around Them
Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse used by covert narcissists to create a subtle but persistent interpersonal dynamic in which they have total power and control. For example, they will tell you obvious lies, only to deny saying them. They may also twist what was said or done to make you feel forced to apologize for things you did not say or do. They will constantly confuse you and make you doubt everything.
Gaslighting often makes the victim question their reality so much that they lose their sense of self-worth and identity.
They Disregard Others’ Emotions and Needs
Narcissists are self-centered and lack empathy for others. They are not interested in understanding other people’s emotions and needs; they only consider what’s good for them and how to get what they want.
- RELATED: Do Narcissists Feel Guilt or Shame?
Delusions of Grandeur
Although covert narcissists may seem quiet and self-deprecating, they actually feel superior to others. A covert narcissist will exaggerate their importance and uniqueness, profoundly believing that they are better than anyone else.
What Subtle Things Do Covert Narcissists Do?
Manipulative Mind Games – They manipulate by subtly twisting emotions and thoughts through actions or comments that make one question their own perception of reality.
Silent Treatment – Covert narcissists use silence to punish those who don’t meet their expectations or disagree with them, leaving them feeling confused and uncertain.
Passive-Aggressive Behavior – People may make sneaky comments disguised as humor or backhanded compliments that undermine your confidence. This avoids direct responsibility for negative behavior while causing emotional harm.
How to Deal with a Covert Narcissist
Don’t Take Their Actions Personally
Childhood insecurity can cause narcissistic personality disorder, making people try to dominate relationships or avoid intimacy. This is because they are afraid of relying on someone.
Although the narcissist’s lack of empathy and manipulation may feel very personal, remember that these behaviors have nothing to do with you.
Setting Boundaries
Boundaries in a relationship with a covert narcissist can protect you against gaslighting, manipulation, and other forms of abuse.
Because narcissists do not respect others’ boundaries, it can be difficult to establish appropriate boundaries in a relationship with a narcissist. However, it is important to let the narcissist know your values, what is important to you, and which behaviors you do not appreciate.
Stand Your Ground
The cycle of abuse from a narcissist may make you forget who you are. So, take care of yourself. Connect with people who care about you. Spend time in nature and practice meditation and relaxation. Self-care can help you strengthen your relationship with yourself, set healthy boundaries, and advocate for yourself.
Understanding the Covert Narcissist and Protecting Your Peace
A covert narcissist can be difficult to identify because their behavior is subtle, indirect, and often masked by insecurity or victimhood. Unlike more obvious narcissistic traits, their patterns show up through passive-aggressive communication, emotional withdrawal, blame-shifting, and quiet control. Over time, this can leave you feeling confused, drained, and disconnected from your own sense of reality, especially when you begin to notice patterns that resemble the signs a narcissist is done with you.
Recognizing the patterns of a covert narcissist is not about labeling someone—it’s about gaining clarity so you can respond differently. When you understand how these dynamics work, you stop over-explaining, stop internalizing their behavior, and start setting boundaries that protect your energy and self-trust.
If you’ve been caught in this cycle, your focus now shifts from trying to figure them out to reconnecting with yourself. Healing begins when you stop chasing clarity from someone who cannot give it and start creating it within your own choices, boundaries, and support system.
You don’t have to navigate this alone. In my Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Coaching, we focus on helping you rebuild your identity, strengthen boundaries, and restore self-trust after experiencing these patterns. This work is about moving forward with clarity, not staying stuck in confusion.
FAQs About the Covert Narcissist
What makes a covert narcissist different from an overt narcissist?
A covert narcissist expresses the same core traits—entitlement, lack of empathy, and need for validation—but in less obvious ways. Instead of being openly arrogant or attention-seeking, they tend to be more passive, withdrawn, or subtly manipulative, which can make their behavior harder to recognize.
Why is a covert narcissist so difficult to identify?
A covert narcissist often appears sensitive, insecure, or even self-critical on the surface. This can create confusion because their behavior doesn’t match the stereotypical image of narcissism. Their manipulation tends to be indirect, which makes it harder to name and easier to second-guess your own experience.
Can a covert narcissist change their behavior?
Change is possible, but only if the person is willing to take accountability and consistently do the work to address their patterns. In most cases, covert narcissists avoid responsibility and maintain their behaviors. This is why focusing on your own boundaries, healing, and self-trust is more effective than trying to change them.
Kamini Wood, AADP Board-Certified Coach
Founder and CEO of AuthenticMe® Life Coaching & Live Joy Your Way | Trauma-Informed Life & Leadership Coach
Kamini Wood specializes in narcissistic abuse recovery, conscious leadership, and parent and teen coaching. She helps high-achieving adults overcome burnout, self-doubt, and people-pleasing patterns through her AuthenticMe®️ Life Coaching framework, which blends emotional intelligence, nervous system support, and practical tools.
The term “narcissism” generally refers to someone who is highly self-absorbed. However, when we talk about a covert narcissist, the traits are often less obvious and harder to recognize. To be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), a person must meet specific clinical criteria.
Unlike more obvious forms of narcissism, a covert narcissist does not always appear arrogant or dominant on the surface. Their behaviors tend to be quieter, more indirect, and often confusing to those around them.
While they still seek validation and control, it often shows up through subtle manipulation, emotional withdrawal, or passive-aggressive behavior rather than overt attention-seeking.
What is Covert Narcissism?
Covert narcissists, also known as vulnerable or fragile narcissists, usually appear quiet and introverted. Due to fragile self-esteem, a covert narcissist’s self-worth depends on the admiration of others.
So, a covert narcissist’s abusive behavior is more subtle and usually not noticeable. They want to prove they are better than anyone else, so they will constantly compare themselves. Covert narcissists need constant reassurance and validation, feeling bad for themselves when witnessing others’ success.
They show passive-aggressive behaviors. They will not tell you directly that they are superior to you but will express their disdain in subtle ways. For example, a covert narcissist may hurt you with a comment and then claim, “I was just joking!” “What’s the deal with you being so sensitive?” Or they will deliberately “forget” to return your calls, do what they promised, etc.
Because their narcissism is not apparent, covert narcissists typically fly under the radar, making them more dangerous. The victims of a covert narcissist’s abuse don’t even recognize being abused for years, sometimes even for decades.
Covert vs. Overt Narcissism: What’s the Difference?
An overt narcissist is easy to spot – they are extroverted, loud, arrogant, selfish, and self-absorbed, but often charismatic and charming. So, the main difference between covert and overt narcissism is that the overt narcissist’s behavior is obvious to others. Overt narcissists display typical narcissistic traits and behaviors.
They lack empathy, have an inflated self-image, and perceive themselves as superior. Overt narcissists show manipulative and self-centered behavior. They may have sudden mood swings and be impulsive, with outbursts of anger and hostility.
On the other hand, covert narcissistic behaviors are often more subtle and usually invisible to those who do not live with a narcissist.
Weird Things Covert Narcissists Do That Will Help You Identify When You’re Encountering One
Because of their ability to deceive people and go unnoticed for a long time, covert narcissists are more dangerous than overt narcissists. On the surface, life with a covert narcissist appears to be totally normal. However, only someone close to a covert narcissist can genuinely understand how harmful covert narcissistic behavior is.
Here are some weird things covert narcissists do and how to respond to them.
A Clear Sense of Inferiority
Covert narcissists appear insecure and self-deprecating, which makes them difficult to spot. For example, it is difficult to be friends with covert narcissists because they constantly compare themselves to others. Or, if you work with a covert narcissist, you may be overwhelmed by their demands. They may outsource tasks and decisions to other people to make it look like they’re indecisive and afraid of making mistakes.
They are Hypersensitive
A covert narcissist’s unstable self-esteem can make them hypersensitive to criticism and rejection. A covert narcissist, for example, might be enraged by even the smallest criticism regarding their work. It could make them angry and lash out at themselves or someone else.
They Don’t Take Responsibility (and Always Blame Others)
A tendency to blame others for their own mistakes is one of the common weird things covert narcissists do. A covert narcissist believes that they are always right and better than anyone else, including you, so they always need to be in charge. However, they will never take responsibility for what they say or do, blaming others for their own mistakes and failures.
They Gaslight Those Around Them
Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse used by covert narcissists to create a subtle but persistent interpersonal dynamic in which they have total power and control. For example, they will tell you obvious lies, only to deny saying them. They may also twist what was said or done to make you feel forced to apologize for things you did not say or do. They will constantly confuse you and make you doubt everything.
Gaslighting often makes the victim question their reality so much that they lose their sense of self-worth and identity.
They Disregard Others’ Emotions and Needs
Narcissists are self-centered and lack empathy for others. They are not interested in understanding other people’s emotions and needs; they only consider what’s good for them and how to get what they want.
- RELATED: Do Narcissists Feel Guilt or Shame?
Delusions of Grandeur
Although covert narcissists may seem quiet and self-deprecating, they actually feel superior to others. A covert narcissist will exaggerate their importance and uniqueness, profoundly believing that they are better than anyone else.
What Subtle Things Do Covert Narcissists Do?
Manipulative Mind Games – They manipulate by subtly twisting emotions and thoughts through actions or comments that make one question their own perception of reality.
Silent Treatment – Covert narcissists use silence to punish those who don’t meet their expectations or disagree with them, leaving them feeling confused and uncertain.
Passive-Aggressive Behavior – People may make sneaky comments disguised as humor or backhanded compliments that undermine your confidence. This avoids direct responsibility for negative behavior while causing emotional harm.
How to Deal with a Covert Narcissist
Don’t Take Their Actions Personally
Childhood insecurity can cause narcissistic personality disorder, making people try to dominate relationships or avoid intimacy. This is because they are afraid of relying on someone.
Although the narcissist’s lack of empathy and manipulation may feel very personal, remember that these behaviors have nothing to do with you.
Setting Boundaries
Boundaries in a relationship with a covert narcissist can protect you against gaslighting, manipulation, and other forms of abuse.
Because narcissists do not respect others’ boundaries, it can be difficult to establish appropriate boundaries in a relationship with a narcissist. However, it is important to let the narcissist know your values, what is important to you, and which behaviors you do not appreciate.
Stand Your Ground
The cycle of abuse from a narcissist may make you forget who you are. So, take care of yourself. Connect with people who care about you. Spend time in nature and practice meditation and relaxation. Self-care can help you strengthen your relationship with yourself, set healthy boundaries, and advocate for yourself.
Understanding the Covert Narcissist and Protecting Your Peace
A covert narcissist can be difficult to identify because their behavior is subtle, indirect, and often masked by insecurity or victimhood. Unlike more obvious narcissistic traits, their patterns show up through passive-aggressive communication, emotional withdrawal, blame-shifting, and quiet control. Over time, this can leave you feeling confused, drained, and disconnected from your own sense of reality, especially when you begin to notice patterns that resemble the signs a narcissist is done with you.
Recognizing the patterns of a covert narcissist is not about labeling someone—it’s about gaining clarity so you can respond differently. When you understand how these dynamics work, you stop over-explaining, stop internalizing their behavior, and start setting boundaries that protect your energy and self-trust.
If you’ve been caught in this cycle, your focus now shifts from trying to figure them out to reconnecting with yourself. Healing begins when you stop chasing clarity from someone who cannot give it and start creating it within your own choices, boundaries, and support system.
You don’t have to navigate this alone. In my Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Coaching, we focus on helping you rebuild your identity, strengthen boundaries, and restore self-trust after experiencing these patterns. This work is about moving forward with clarity, not staying stuck in confusion.
FAQs About the Covert Narcissist
What makes a covert narcissist different from an overt narcissist?
A covert narcissist expresses the same core traits—entitlement, lack of empathy, and need for validation—but in less obvious ways. Instead of being openly arrogant or attention-seeking, they tend to be more passive, withdrawn, or subtly manipulative, which can make their behavior harder to recognize.
Why is a covert narcissist so difficult to identify?
A covert narcissist often appears sensitive, insecure, or even self-critical on the surface. This can create confusion because their behavior doesn’t match the stereotypical image of narcissism. Their manipulation tends to be indirect, which makes it harder to name and easier to second-guess your own experience.
Can a covert narcissist change their behavior?
Change is possible, but only if the person is willing to take accountability and consistently do the work to address their patterns. In most cases, covert narcissists avoid responsibility and maintain their behaviors. This is why focusing on your own boundaries, healing, and self-trust is more effective than trying to change them.
Kamini Wood, AADP Board-Certified Coach
Founder and CEO of AuthenticMe® Life Coaching & Live Joy Your Way | Trauma-Informed Life & Leadership Coach
Kamini Wood specializes in narcissistic abuse recovery, conscious leadership, and parent and teen coaching. She helps high-achieving adults overcome burnout, self-doubt, and people-pleasing patterns through her AuthenticMe®️ Life Coaching framework, which blends emotional intelligence, nervous system support, and practical tools.
